Here, Listen to This

I love music so much.

I’ve come to the realization that I don’t just have to use my blog to vent about my struggles and can literally put anything I want on here. Who's gonna stop me? Catch me outside.

Here's a short list of some really great albums that I think are worth a listen. Some of these are pretty popular, but I know I myself haven’t listened to a lot of mainstream albums, so I’m sure someone out there will discover something new here.

The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner

by Ben Folds Five

If anybody reading this is a Nirvan(n)a The Band The Show fan, they'll immediately know why I put this on the list. Ben Folds Five gives an excellent performance and wonderful writing in this whimsical rock album. If you’re a big fan of jazz, as well as growling guitar melodies paired with theatrical piano, this is the album for you. BFF does a great job at mixing cinematic melodies with melancholic and laid-back music. Been thinking a lot today.

Odyssey

by Home

One day, while listening to a little song called Resonance, I wondered what the album it came from sounded like. I was pleasantly surprised to see it was filled with the same trippy and psychedelic melodies found on its most popular track. It's purely instrumental, but that doesn't take away from the experience at all. In fact, I feel like it immerses you even more into the music. If you're into electronica and synthwave, give this one a try.

Fauxllenium

by TV Girl and George Clanton

Like the last project, this one is definitely good to get high to. It doesn't sound all that similar to TV Girl's previous work, but that's not a bad thing at all. It's a slightly different style, which George Clanton contributes to a lot here, but it maintains that classic TV Girl flair. I think that Fauxllennium makes the most of its short runtime and leaves you craving more. Definitely would recommend to listeners who have not heard either artist beforehand.

When The Pawn...

by Fiona Apple

I had to put at least one classic on this list. If you haven't listened to When The Pawn by now, what on Earth are you doing! There is so much to love about this album. It's an incredible example of the complexities of the feminine experience, as well as the human experience in general. The writing is excellent. While she acknowledges her imperfections and struggles, none of it feels like it contributes to the stereotypical “manic, hysterical, crazy bitch” box that many women are put in. That’s what makes this album feel so raw and so deeply vulnerable. I can't recommend this album enough, especially if you're someone who's struggling deeply and needs someone to resonate with.

SEEYOUFRIDAY*

by emmett

I discovered this project through a mutual friend, who actually introduced me to the artist directly. He's only got about a hundred monthly listeners as of writing this, but trust me, he has so much potential. Drawing inspiration from artists like Tyler, The Creator, Malcolm Todd, and BROCKHAMPTON while still carving out a sound of its own, SEEYOUFRIDAY* is a vibrant indie pop album. It details the rocky story of emmett and his love interest throughout the album, Lola. Fans of the artists I mentioned will definitely find at least one track they love on here, and I hope emmett only grows more and more in popularity.

Big Fish Theory

by Vince Staples

The track that pulled me into this album was Yeah Right. It's primarily produced by SOPHIE, a hyper-pop pioneer, so I went in expecting something heavily electronic and experimental. I like a lot of topics Vince covers throughout this project. A common theme I noticed was how him and his music cannot be put into a box. The experimental production throughout only further emphasizes that. He also acknowledges cliches throughout rap music, prejudice towards minorities and corruption in the U.S. and its government, struggles with love, and many other relevant topics. I'm a really big fan of both electronic music and conscious rap, so if you're like me, definitely tap in to this project.

I would love to add more albums here, but I think this is a good sample size. Like I said before, I hope someone discovers something that they like here! My job is done for the day. Enjoy.

I'll Be Free (eeee)

The title is a Malcolm Todd reference, by the way.

As you can see, the site is revamped yet again! At some point in the last few months, I looked at my site and realized “fuck, I need a new layout.” So here it is.

I think my life has been in very dark times recently. My last post talked about how I was seeking an ADHD diagnosis, but I was hit with a different diagnosis and I haven’t really known how to feel about it. I won’t be airing out all my business on my site, but just know I was not diagnosed with ADHD and I’m.. okay with that. I still feel like I should get a psychological evaluation one day when I have the opportunity so that I can know for sure. But right now it’s just a “well, could be, but who knows” situation.

I’m still discovering a lot about myself. Whether or not I have ADHD or this other disorder I’ve been diagnosed with, I’m still me. And me cannot be shoved into a box or a label.

While my life has been really, really, really fucking messy, I’ve been engaging with a lot more art and media lately. I guess when I’m at my lowest, that’s what brings me comfort. I’ve been listening to a lot more music, and watching new shows, and rewatching old stuff, and just doing so much to distract my brain from what’s going on in the real world. My favorite project right now is Nirvan(n)a The Band The Show, and I’m honestly obsessed with all of Matt Johnson’s work. He’s an excellent director.

Regarding my site, I cycled through so many potential revamps in the past few months. It was just a whole bunch of trial and error. The layout you see now is the only one I deemed worthy of the final cut, but there were about 5 layouts that could’ve been potential candidates. I hope you all like my site as much as I do, and I’ll see you soon when I inevitably get bored of this one and spend 6 more months trying to outdo myself yet again.

Growing Up

Hi everyone.. I’ve returned! Haven't written here since last year. Today is my birthday!

I don’t even know how many people actively read my thoughts page or if anybody does at all, but I like to think there’s at least.. like.. 3 people who do, right? Whatever, that’s besides the point.

My website revamp has finally been fully published and I am so proud of what I’ve made this time. I’m not sure what I was even thinking with my old layout. It was overwhelmingly bland and boring, in my opinion. I wrote about this back when I published that layout for the first time, saying stuff about how “change is inevitable” and whatnot. I’m glad I was aware that I would NOT be keeping that theme permanently.

A complete contrast from the monochromatic layout I had before, you will now find a colorful Animal Crossing inspired theme on my site! I tried to incorporate as many small fun details as I possibly could. I think that back when I still had my OneShot theme, I was planning to do a rotating thing where I’d have a new videogame layout on my site every few weeks. Obviously that didn’t fucking happen. And likely never will, as this layout alone probably took the longest to make out of all of them. Like I said, I wanted to get every detail perfect. I’m sure there will be small errors across the site, but I can always go back and fix them when I feel like it. I’ve added so many new things to my site, and, like always, you can find every change in the update log. I hope everybody has fun exploring!

Regarding my personal life, I’ve already mentioned that today is a very special day. Actually, I’d like to say that it’s special, but I feel quite indifferent. These past few months have been really dark times for me, and my birthday, something that should be important, doesn’t even bring me joy. Either way, I’ll push through. I’m sure I’ll be happier by the time my next birthday comes. Hopefully.

At school, I’ve gone from an A-B student to having Cs and Fs. It’s taking a toll on me, seeing such a drastic change. I grew up as a gifted child. Second grade, they pulled me aside, told me to sort some shapes and colors, and decided I was “special.” I was told I was naturally smart. Because of that, I was able to get by without putting in a lot of effort for a really long time. Now I’m losing the ability to even do the bare minimum. I don’t think I’m stupid, and my teachers and counselors don’t think I am either. But my grades reflect otherwise. And it’s honestly really demotivating. It feels like something is wrong with me, though a lot of people tell me there’s not. What I go through everyday tells me otherwise, but sometimes I think about what other people have to say about my own life and let it get to me. Impostor syndrome. It’d be easy to pin my struggles on having some sort of disorder, but I haven’t been diagnosed with any of that, so I only have myself to blame. The only labels I’ve ever been given are “lazy,” “unorganized,” and “careless.”

Doctors I’ve spoken to have denied my experiences outright, made general assumptions, or just told me it was depression or anxiety. But I still feel like there’s more. I’m getting an evaluation next month for ADHD. With my current academic history, I feel like I’ll be dismissed the second the psychiatrist sees my previous grades. I spoke to a “professional” the other day, and he told me that, because I got good grades from a young age, he doubted I had ADHD. Getting diagnosed, or even evaluated (it took 2 years to get to this point), is fucking hell. Especially for girls. If you’re not a white 7-year-old hyperactive boy, you might as well give up. Hopefully I figure out what’s going on with me soon, because I don’t know how much longer I can take.

On a happier note, I recently got a new guitar as an early birthday present and I’m really excited to start learning how to play! I’m not taking guitar lessons yet, but I plan to in the near future. I hope my songs and music will improve once I’ve picked up at least a basic understanding of guitar. I haven’t even actually been making a lot of music lately, but I’ll get back on that soon.

Sorry that I haven’t been updating this page as much. I’d love to share my thoughts and experiences with you guys more often, but I just never seem to have the time or motivation to sit down and write. I’m going to try to be more consistent with publishing these posts. Oh, also, happy new year! And happy every-other-holiday-that-happened-while-I-was-still working-on-my-revamp!

Wallsocket Review

Originally posted as an albumoftheyear review.

What are you thinking? What do you have? Where does your money come from? Who are you forgetting? Do you wrap back around?

Cops and robbers | 97
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Wallsocket starts off with Cops and robbers, a captivating, energetic, and glitchy track that introduces us to our first character in the wonderful story of Wallsocket. The bass at the start is mysterious and dim, quickly accompanied by an explosion of noise. Right away, underscores details the story of Joshua Domingo, father of S*nny Domingo, and his embezzlement of around $425,000 dollars from a bank where he was employed for over a decade. We find out that his primary motive for this was to supply his meth addiction. (“It all started when I didn’t have enough to pay for the crystal”) I think that Cops and robbers really drew me into Wallsocket upon my first listen and made me realize, “Damn, this is gonna be an album that might actually change my life.” (And boy, was I right!) The way underscores pronounces certain words in this wacky and exaggerated manner on certain lines is as addictive as a drug. I really love how the synths, guitar, and various other instruments throughout this song feel like they’re out of control, in a rush, and all over the place. The high pace of the song gives you the same anxious thrill you’d feel as a criminal on the run, which is the exact position of the character we follow. I think that the bridge is my favorite part of this song, and I personally love that moment where she goes (“...case goes cooooooooold”) in the background around 2:50. Overall, Cops and robbers is an electrifying track that sets your expectations high for the rest of Wallsocket, both as a musical project and as a story on its own. Wheeeeen’s the last time.. you saw someone with a perfect introductory track?

Locals (Girls like us) | 97
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Our next track is Locals, one that begins with a perfectly overwhelming jumble of words that vaguely describe the experiences of our three main characters, S*nny, Mara, and Old money bitch (later found out to be named Samantha, but I’ll be referring to her as Old money bitch for the rest of this review). At the end of this litter of phrases, we are greeted by the catchy hook of this track (“Arms, body, legs, flesh, skin, bone, sinew, good luck!”). The first actual lyrics are meant to represent the perspective of Mara, who we quickly learn has an unhealthy infatuation with S*nny. Their relationship is entirely parasocial, and Mara has been watching and essentially stalking S*nny since they were children, which Mara believes S*nny has no idea about. (“We’ve been inseparable since 2009, she just doesn’t know ‘bout it yet”) The next verse “wraps around” (this choice of words is important) and is told from the perspective of S*nny, where she mentions a ten-foot pole, and we can see that she does not want to associate or interact with Mara. I really like the relationship between S*nny and Mara so far, because I feel like I can definitely relate to both sides of it. Locals is probably the first track off of Wallsocket that I feel you could recommend to that one friend who strictly listens to mainstream songs and doesn’t have a very broad taste in music. I think it’s the most upbeat and catchy song throughout this project, and I can definitely see it becoming a hit on its own. Even though I feel that it’s comparable to more mainstream pop music, this track is still eccentric and experimental. I think Gabby start’s verse is fun and weird and adds to the track’s distinctiveness, plus the hook and intro provide a little bit of edge to an otherwise cheerful song. Impractical is crucial!

Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh | 100
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Wallsocket’s third track is entirely voiced by S*nny. Similar to the previous track, it begins and continues with a sequence of words, except it’s the same “Duhhh!” repeated rather than a variety of terms. This track is deep and powerful, highlighting the difficult battle of experiencing gender dysphoria while also trying to maintain a relationship with a higher power, specifically God. S*nny describes being transgender as having an illness, likely influenced by the social stigma around it. I think that the heaviest part of this song is the bridge. It concludes with the line (“I’m not scared of death, no, I’m scared of God”), and this further emphasizes how society uses God and misinterprets lines from the Bible to defend harmful rhetoric. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this track since the day I first listened to it. Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh is extremely relatable and comforting to trans and queer people who struggle to balance feeling proud of their identity with being close to God. Perfect, indeed.

You don’t even know who I am | 96
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We feel a slight mood shift as our next track brings the album to a slower pace. We hear a distorted voice repeat a bunch of praise (“You can do it! I’m ready to support your next effort”) You don’t even know who I am is told by Mara, and it emphasizes the parasocial relationship between her and S*nny. Mara breaks into S*nny’s house and tries to live like her, putting on her makeup and trying on her clothes. She tries to justify this action and use S*nny’s past against her, claiming (“I know that I scare you, but I’m nowhere near the worst you’ve seen”). This song can absolutely be taken out of the context of Wallsocket and depict the parasocial relationship that an obsessed fan has with a celebrity. Many people, especially in today’s modern age and with the invention of the Internet, feel that it is okay to pry into celebrities’ lives and find out every detail about them. Behind a screen, you can maintain anonymity while saying anything about anybody. I feel like underscores approaches this topic perfectly, by taking the perspective of a crazed fan rather than an artist, the listener feels a lot more uncomfortable. I enjoy how this track is a lot slower than what we’ve heard before. The deep, melancholic guitar paired with underscores’ soft yet passionate singing makes the track feel somber and depressing.

Johnny johnny johnny | 99
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Track 5 is Johnny johnny johnny, an upbeat track that is surprisingly misleading. We start off with a joyful pop beat that is joined by the hook and title of the song. Quickly, we learn that this track is not going to match its cheerful instrumental. S*nny starts by detailing how, from a very young age, she was exposed to weird men on the internet preying on her. (“I stayed away from the creeps, but they got me through my screen”) Johnny, the antagonist of this track, groomed S*nny into believing he genuinely cared for her, and she ended up meeting up with him the day she turned 18. I don’t think it’s necessary to detail what happened after, but near the end of the song, we learn that S*nny realized what was being done to her, and she was successfully able to escape him. (“I exited my body and it got up off the carpet, and it kept on telling lies until they got me out the door”) I think that, like the last track, underscores handled this topic perfectly. I really like how the beat draws you in, makes you think this is going to be a fun pop song, and completely does a 180. It kind of emphasizes how victims see their perpetrators as innocent, trustworthy people without realizing they’re the complete opposite. This track is really good at making you feel uncomfortable, and I’ve felt uneasy many times while listening to it. Makes me reflect on a lot of my own experiences.

Shoot to kill, kill your darlings | 100
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This track is the first real introduction to Old money bitch. Told from her perspective, she speaks about not understanding the motive behind people, especially young teenagers, aspiring to join the military. (“You’re still just a little kid, you shouldn’t have to choose how you die”) The song can be seen as a tribute to her late friend, Jack, who passed away while fighting in the military. This song really stood out to me, being the one song from Wallsocket that has made me cry repeatedly. It makes me think about somebody extremely close to me. Despite my personal connection to this song, I have other reasons to love it. The beat feels crunchy and addictive, keeping me constantly hooked. Throughout the song, we hear the sound of some sort of mine going off and getting higher and higher. It makes you feel uneasy and adds a lot of tension to the song. The chorus right before the fourth verse ends with an explosion and scream, likely representing how Jack died by stepping on a mine. The ending of the song is a distorted repetition of the words (“I just don’t want you to die”), showing how deep Old money bitch cares for her friend Jack and anybody else who might want to join the army. It breaks my heart to think about how many people enlist because they don’t have anybody who cares and worries about them like this. This track is so beautiful and so raw, so genuine and passionate, and for that, it is my favorite track throughout Wallsocket.

Horror movie soundtrack | 97
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Shoot to kill, kill your darlings smoothly transitions into Horror movie soundtrack, continuing the story of Old money bitch, and how she is now trying to convince herself to end her life after Jack’s passing, (“Lay down your arms, surrender at once, aim for the head or go with your gut”) I really like how eerie this track feels, especially in the way underscores drags on her vocals in a whispered tone. I feel like I can kind of relate to it. Not only in the way Old money bitch speaks about her suicidal ideation, but in the way that she explains how having material possessions does not erase her emotional numbness. (“The world’s in my fingers and I can’t feel a thing”) This track gets a lot across without having to say much. The ending lines, where she repeats (“You won’t get away with this”), obviously hold a lot of anger, though it’s not exactly clear to whom it’s directed to. This is definitely a track that’s a little more up to interpretation rather than being upfront about its meaning.

Old money bitch | 98
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Serving as an ending to what I like to call the Old money bitch trilogy, we get an upbeat pop song that I would put in a similar category as Locals. This song is fun, cheerful, and something that, yet again, you could definitely recommend to a mainstream pop listener. In this track, Mara criticizes Old money bitch, calling her out on where her money comes from and claiming (“She’s not like you or me, she’s the enemy”). Old money bitch is clearly depressed at this point, still mourning the loss of Jack. Mara doesn’t know about this and makes fun of Old money bitch because she has no idea about it. Ironically, Mara is completely projecting and is wealthy herself. This track is obviously a commentary on nepotism, but also on how people are rejected solely based on where they come from and not who they really are. I really love this song and the fun little piano that plays occasionally throughout. The breakdown at the end of the bridge is probably my favorite part. Old money bitch is addictive ear-candy that I find myself looping over and over.

Geez louise | 96
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After the Old money bitch trilogy has concluded, we are greeted by the longest track of Wallsocket. Geez louise is a song that I’d consider a weird mix of rock and country. The track starts off with a sharp electric guitar, which is accompanied by a banjo that plays throughout this track and also many others in Wallsocket. This track is told by S*nny and her friend and further explores the connection between S*nny’s gender identity, religion, and even her cultural roots, (“You’re telling me that it’s my responsibility to dig these roots after ages of attack?”) The theme of all the characters in Wallsocket being connected is also highlighted here, with the chorus going (“He’s just like me, she’s just like me, they’re just like me, damnit”) I think here is a good time to bring up the horseshoe theory, which was a big inspiration for underscores while writing this project. A common theme throughout the tracks is “wrapping back around” like a horseshoe, showing how opposite ends of something are closer than we think. We quite literally see a giant horseshoe in the cover art for Wallsocket. I personally like how this track is arguably a lot more aggressive and more passionate than the others. I think that the fifth verse trailing into the outro is the most satisfying part of this track. While I don’t listen to this one as much as the other tracks because of its length, it’s definitely worth listening to every once in a while.

Seventyseven dog years | 94
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Seventyseven dog years starts with Mara detailing what lengths she went to to stalk S*nny. We learn that she was hiding in S*nny’s trunk (“I hated it but I took what I could get, in the trunk of your car at 9 AM”). After this, S*nny and Mara open up to each other. S*nny tells Mara about her father’s embezzlement, and Mara desperately wants to make him pay for what he’d done. I think it’s important to note that because they’ve had a conversation, their relationship is no longer parasocial. Mara has been able to reach S*nny, which will be explored more in the next track. I have mixed feelings about this track. I think it’s one where we see more country-style elements, which is something underscores mentioned she wanted to incorporate when making the songs for Wallsocket. The song gets a little repetitive, but the crunchy and distorted sound effects throughout keep you hooked. I like how she pronounces a lot of the words here, and (“Pony up, motherfucker!”) is absolutely stuck in my head. While Seventyseven dog years is a great track, I feel as though it’s one of the less sonically interesting songs off of Wallsocket.

Uncanny long arms | 97
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The following track starts off slow and quiet, gradually increasing in intensity. Uncanny long arms is a glitchy, electronic rock track where Mara comes to realize, reflect on, and regret her obsessive behavior. The title of this track refers to Mara being able to reach and speak to S*nny, with her metaphorical uncanny long arms giving her the ability to do so, (“I had this crazy feeling that nothing was out of reach anymore, and I had a terrible feeling I could touch you from over here”) Mara goes through arm reduction surgery so that she can reverse what she’s done, dying in the process. Jane Remover’s chopped-up breaths can be heard throughout the song, representing Mara’s resuscitation. Mara describes her time being dead as having true peace. At the end of the song, we hear a callback to Inlaws, a demo for Kinko’s field trip 2006 by underscores. The lyrics absolutely fit Mara’s manufactured personality and fabricated experiences (“Just admit it, you don’t have a world that you’re up against”). I feel like Jane Remover was the perfect feature for this track. The way the song builds up and falls back down again like a rollercoaster is thrilling. The heavy guitar feels raw and perfectly representative of Mara’s feelings during this period of reflection. Like most tracks on this project, my favorite part is near the end, beginning from the third verse until the conclusion of the song.

Good luck final girl | 98
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Wallsocket finishes off with a reflective acoustic ballad, having our “final girls” (S*nny, Mara, and Old money bitch) say their farewells. The first verse is spoken by Mara, highlighting how, despite her obsession with S*nny seeming to have come to an end, she still holds obsessive tendencies. Following this verse, S*nny speaks about self-acceptance and relying on herself rather than other people, such as Mara, Johnny, and even her runaway father. Finally, Old money bitch vents about “indefinitely postponing” her suicide and being brought to tears over Jack. All three of the girls mention trains in their brief stories, so we can assume they have left the small town of Wallsocket. This song is relatively short, yet I feel that it serves as the perfect conclusion to this story. The slowed-down ending gives you time to reflect on what has happened throughout Wallsocket. I don’t really know exactly what else to say about this finale. I feel like the verses could have been a little longer, just to provide more closure for the girls’ stories. I must say that I do like the contrast between Wallsocket’s typical fast pace and this track’s drawn-out, relaxed mood. I don’t know how to explain it, but I can totally see this song playing at the end of a film that ruins your life in the best way possible. Similar to how Wallsocket has changed mine.

Guilt

In the past week, two of my close friends have confessed that they have romantic feelings for me. For a lot of people, that would be a good thing. For me, I'm not sure how to feel about it.

For the last few months, I've been restricting myself from dating people. Truth be told, I am far too depressed to be in a relationship right now. I was in a relationship recently, but it was me going against my moral standing and acting without thinking. The point is, I want to distance myself from getting romantically involved with anybody.

I can't take care of somebody else if I don't even know how to take care of myself.

I didn't exactly "reject" both people who confessed to me but I did explain to them that I'm really not stable enough to be in a relationship right now. They were understanding, so that's not where my problem lies. The problem is how guilty I feel for letting each of them down. I've always been used to being the person who chases after people, not the person who gets chased after. It's very surreal to have more than one person like me in more than a 1-month time frame. It's a little overwhelming, especially with my current mental state.

I know it's not my fault and that I can't force myself to be in a relationship that I won't be comfortable in. Regardless, I still feel shitty. There's not much I can do about that.

I didn't come on here to write in depth about my current experience but I did just want to share a few short thoughts. I wonder if anybody shares same feelings that I am right now.

Twenty Twenty Five

As the year comes to an end, I look back and think about how much I've changed and how many moments I've experienced throughout it. It feels like I've lived 3 different lives just this past year alone. There's been ups, there's been downs, but most importantly, there's been growth.

Something that really scares me but at the same time also kind of excites me is time. Nothing can stop the inevitable passage of time. It scares me because sometimes I feel like I'll eventually run out of time to do everything I love. I'm not afraid of death, just afraid of what happens (or fails to happen) before it eventually reaches me. Time also excites me because there's so much you can accomplish just by waiting. I'm still pretty much a kid right now, and I'm excited to grow up and have just a liiiiitle more freedom. Of course, everything comes with a price, and I'm well aware that there are many struggles that follow adulthood. But the funny thing about time is that, well, I don't have to worry about any of that right now.

Going back on what I said about ups and downs and growth, I want to bring up something that recently made me come to a realization. Last week, Spotify Wrapped and a few other yearly recaps released for most streaming platforms. As I looked at my recap, I saw some songs and even albums on it that I knew weren't exactly accurate. Now, the data itself was correct, but the songs I was being shown were not true to what I really enjoyed this year.

For pretty much the entirety of the earlier half of this year, I made the stupid mistake to do something known as sleep scrobbling. For those who don't know what the hell that is, it's when you loop a song (typically on mute) while you're sleeping with the goal of achieving more counted streams--known as scrobbles on last.fm. The only reason I ever did this was so I could show people my last.fm data and flex my high amount of scrobbles for certain tracks. It was really stupid. A lot of times I would even sleep scrobble songs that I didn't even really like just because I wanted to impress somebody. It took me a while for me to realize this was a really dumb thing to do. If I could go back, I'd tell myself to just listen to my music like normal and not worry about my stats not being high enough. It makes me feel a lot prouder when I know all of my scrobbles for a song are 100% natural.

On another note, while I was a little performative loser this year, I have noticed that my confidence and self acceptance have boosted at least a little bit since last year. My social anxiety has definitely started getting better and I'm not really scared to defend myself or speak up about things I'm passionate about. I'm also really good at shutting out unnecessary opinions from other people. I'm really big on being yourself and not letting others dictate who you should be. I think one good example of something that would challenge this is ironically prevalent in the alternative community.

I like to describe myself as an alt person, I listen to alternative music and dress alternatively compared to most people. Of course, I only started really expressing myself this way very recently. I've always had the mindset and beliefs but never really expressed it through my fashion. Anyway, a lot of people trying to get into this community, and even I was guilty of this, search up "how to be emo 101" on Google and follow whatever tutorials come up. A lot of people in the alt community like to be picky on what they "allow" to be alt. I feel like listening to this is an easy way to lock yourself inside a very small box and not be totally happy or comfortable. The whole point of being alternative is expressing yourself, not fitting whatever "rules" being alternative is defined as. You're supposed to give yourself labels that you think align with you, not try to align with labels because you feel like you have to, if that makes sense. I think that you should just be yourself and figure out what you like and what makes you happy, and then think about what labels might describe you, after the fact.

I hope everybody is having a wonderful December and I'm grateful I was able to share my thoughts with you all this year. Thank you to everybody who visited my website (30,000 views as of writing, holy shit!), and thank you to everybody who surfs on websites similar to mine. I would wish everybody a happy new year and X-mas as well, but I think I'll be making another post closer to the end of the year. Much love :)

Rejuvenated, Refreshed, and Restored

You guys have no idea how good I feel right now. My site is finally completely revamped and I've been procrastinating on this for months. MONTHS! I was tired of opening Notepad++ just to leave it open for 2 hours and not write a single line of code. Something clicked inside of me and I was finally able to organize something that I am proud of.

To a lot of people, this small little space may just be another website upon millions of others, but to me, this is my home. Writing that out feels extremely cheesy, but it's the truth. I made this website back in May of this year because I felt I needed to express myself more. I wanted to branch out and try something new, try to discover what felt right. It didn't take long for me to realize I really, truly love this space I've created for myself.

Though, I didn't just make it for myself, of course. While I was originally coding my site, I was thinking about you, the person reading this. I wanted my site to be something creative and magnificent that people would see and maybe be inspired by. I wasn't the best at coding back then, and I am not at all the best right now, but I was able to make something that I was proud of and that other people enjoyed. Because of this, I kept my previous layout for so long. I wanted to keep the theme that other people liked the most.

And while I am glad I was able to make something that so many other people enjoyed, it started to get a little boring. I made my website, showed it off to people, so what now? I felt like I was at a standstill.

The old layouts I had were representative of the old me. Inevitably, life dies out. People change. And so did I. The last site theme I had was honestly pretty impressive for someone with little to no prior coding experience. I try to stay humble, but that layout was really some of my best work. Still, it isn't me. I'm not the same person I was when I made it. And because of that, this complete revamp was necessary.

The theme you see now on my site is representative of me in the present. Is it subject to change? Absolutely. Will I regain motivation to come up with a new theme once I get tired of this one? Highly unlikely. But it's here now, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Making this website was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I encourage you to make one of your own if you haven't already. I won't be disclosing exactly how old I am, but I'm young enough to say I've grown up in a world where everything is online. Most social media platforms have been around for longer than I've been alive. I do think that there can be perks to using social media, but for the most part, it's not very good for you. That is why I made this website. To take a break from the attention-grabbing social media sites and breathe. To be able to express myself without being held captive by likes, views, and comments. To be 'me' without caring about an algorithm. This website is my love letter to the old Internet, a version of the Internet that was robbed from me.

Regardless of if you've been a visitor of this site since its creation or this is your first time here, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being a part of it. I'm so happy to have been able to have a platform where I can share my thoughts with you all.

- Much love, Soph of soph.gay

FUCK TRUMP

I'm not gonna say that I don't want to get political on here, because now is a time that I absolutely SHOULD.

If you didn't know, I'm American. There are so many problems that I have with the current administration in my country and I could rant about them for days. But one thing that REALLY pisses me off is how blind half of this country's population is. That orange, greedy old excuse of a human can talk about whatever bullshit he wants and these dumbasses will follow his every move. Honestly, I don't want to say I hate the people who do support Donald Trump. As much violence and hate speech they spread to people who don't look and act just like them, they aren't the people I need to be mad at.

The truth is, the government wants us all to turn against each other.

Just yesterday, the federal government shut down. If you don't know what that means, allow me to explain it simply. Every fiscal year, Congress and the President must agree on what spending laws to pass regarding funding for government operations. If they don't agree by the end of the fiscal year, which is typically September 30th, the government shuts down. Now, this isn't the first time it has happened. The last time a shutdown happened was during Trump's first term, and it was the longest lasting shutdown. There were 2 shutdowns during his first term.

My problem is not the shutdown, even though it is a concern. I went on the White House website amongst a lot of other government sites to see what they had to say regarding the situation.

"Democrats have shut down the government."

Okay. So, that's just.. not true? Republicans have the majority of literally every branch of government right now. After clicking around I saw loads of other bullshit like "Blah blah blah! The radical Left and their DEI hires and their free healthcare for illegal aliens!!!!!!" Are we serious right now..?

I don't know if I'm overreacting but.. I feel like it's just so unprofessional for the government to be talking about the People like this, regardless of their political association. "The Left" doesn't just include leftist political leaders, it's also all of the citizens who align with leftist values. Last time I fucking checked, THE PRESIDENT IS SUPPOSED TO SERVE THE PEOPLE. NOT BE AGAINST THEM.

When you're President, you swear to ensure the People's needs are met. Regardless of if they voted for you or not. Trump hates the People. That's the truth. If you aren't a white billionaire, you are nothing in his eyes. Even if you support Trump. He doesn't give a shit about you. You are being BRAINWASHED.

Also, release the fucking Epstein files. We're tired of waiting. We know you're in them Donald, and that's why you and your administration are too scared to release them to us.

School

I'm actually pretty happy with how school has been going so far!

Sorry to anybody I might have concerned with my last entry, I was definitely going through it, to say the least. Thank you to those who reached out. Things are looking a lot better now, though.

I've made a few friends so far, which is honestly really good considering I used to find it really difficult to socialize. My social anxiety would make my life incredibly difficult. Now, I feel somewhat confident in my ability to make friends and actually speak like a normal human being. Not perfect, but I've made a lot of progress. And honestly, that's better than nothing.

Most of the friends I've made so far are more of the newer kids, and I think the only reason I find it easy to talk to them is cause, well, they're new and don't really have this whole socializing thing figured out. I have a bit more experience.

My classes aren't bad, either. I've got some neat electives this year. I won't share any details on what my classes actually are, but I can assure you all that I've got a pretty good schedule. Some of my teachers are ones that I've already taken classes with before, so I'm already familiar with their teaching styles.

I'm confident that this year will be a good one. It will be stressful, no doubt, but that's just how school goes. For the most part, I'm sure I'll have a great time.

Crush

I like a guy!

This ..honestly sucks.

I'm sure that my sexuality isn't a choice, because if it were, there's no way in hell I'd still be attracted to men. The guy I like is.. strange to say the least. Not necessarily in a negative way, but he has his quirks.

I feel so weird for liking somebody again after I literally just left my previous relationship a MONTH AGO. It could be worse though, it's not like I'm actually dating him.

I'm almost certain he's interested in me. But it's kind of difficult to tell. I don't want to make a move yet because I feel like it's too soon. I've only known the guy for around a month. I have no idea if he's even a bad person or not.

That's one of my biggest fears, you know? Falling in love with somebody just to slowly figure out they aren't exactly who they pose themself as. It's happened to me before, and I don't want it to happen again.

While I know I should wait, there's still that part of me that really wants to be his girlfriend. There's so much I like about him.

He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. His jawline is perfect. I'm obsessed with his hair. He doesn't think he's attractive, but there's so much about him and his appearance that I can't help but get lost in. I don't know if I have a type, but if I do, he fits it perfectly. I need this boy so bad. I crave him and his touch.

He's really funny as well, and we share a lot of the same humor. He understands most of the silly little niche references I make, and vice versa.

I want to ask him out but I have no idea how I should. What do people even say? Like..

"Hey, I like you a lot and want to be your girlfriend even though we've known each other for less than 30 days."

It's so embarrassing. I don't know how I should go about things. I hope things work out and he ends up asking ME, or I get some sort of sign that things won't work out anyway.

I really hope things work out, though. I truly admire him.

(Update: August 7th, 2025) Hi, little update... He doesn't like me back! He says he simply views me as a close friend. I'm honestly fine with that. I'm okay with remaining friends with him but if things get too painful for me I might just have to leave. I don't know how things will play out. I'll definitely update this if things turn out fine or if they go south.

Polarity

I can't sleep, so I thought I'd come back to my 'safe' little corner of the Internet.

If you haven't read my previous entry on the 15th, I suggest you do for some sort of context.

I'm really just confused with myself right now.

I look at other people who are going through breakups and they all seem to be a mess.

But I look at myself and how I've been feeling, and I feel bad for NOT feeling bad. It's weird. I loved my partner a lot, more than I've ever loved anybody before, so why is the breakup not affecting me as much as I thought it would? 3 days ago, I expected myself to be dead in the corner of my room by now. But I'm not. I'm alive and I'm doing somewhat fine. I really hope my former partner is doing okay too.

I say I'm fine but I still have moments where I think about all the memories from my previous relationship and it still makes my heart hurt. I can't believe I let myself lose it all. I still cry about it, and maybe not as much as I should, but everybody grieves differently, right?

These past few days I've just been talking to friends and trying to distract myself from the reality of the situation. If I pretend everything is fine, eventually, it actually will be. At least that's what I hope.

Let me describe to you a few things that have actually helped me NOT hit rock-bottom during this difficult period of time.

I was listening to an audiobook that my mom was playing in the car today. It's not unusual for her to play audiobooks for me, but typically I'd just block them out and not really pay attention to them. This time was different. I was planning to disassociate and drift away into my own thoughts while listening to my headphones, but she told me to pause my music for a bit and to just listen to what this audiobook narrator had to say. I can't really give any specific examples, but the speaker went over a lot of analogies and concepts that totally shifted my perspective on life as a whole, not just on my current situation. This book LITERALLY teaches you how to shift your perspective, so I'm not at all surprised. The book is called The Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz. I think you should give it a shot if you're feeling like you're at a dead end. The short snippet that I heard impacted me a lot, so I can only imagine what the whole book would do for someone. Take my word for it.

Not only did this seemingly random audiobook help me, I actually watched a Psych2Go video about getting over breakups. I know, I know, laugh if you want. Though there really was a lot to learn from it. One thing that specifically stuck with me was how the narrator describes "love as an addiction." While not classified as one legally or whatever, many researchers have found that those falling in love experience similar symptoms to those of people struggling with behavioral or substance addictions. Basically, if you break up with someone, and you 'stalk' them or try to break no-contact, you're going through withdrawals. Leaving a relationship is like quitting a substance. It takes time to fully recover from it. It's not easy.

I think one more thing that's helped me stay mentally stable-ish is the fact that I was already mourning my partner before he left. Not that he died physically or anything, but the version of him that I knew when we first started dating, did. He wasn't the same man I fell in love with. I'm kind of glad that he didn't treat me as well during the last couple of months that we were together, because it taught me how to do exactly what I'm forced to do now. Every time he ignored me or didn't spend time with me, he was just teaching me how to live without him. If he had acted like he still loved me or cared about me during that time, the break up would've been a lot worse for me. I wouldn't have known where things went wrong. I would have been so confused. But because I expected a break up to occur, I wasn't as affected. So I'm glad that things went that way. Even if they weren't perfect.

If you're reading this, and you're also going through a break up, just know that you've got this. Even if you don't feel the same way I do about my relationship, you don't have to. Remember, EVERYBODY grieves differently. Everybody. I already mentioned it, but I thought I'd stress it again. You will get over this person. Whether it be days, weeks, months, or even years from now, time heals.

Pretty much the only advice I can give, besides everything I've already written, is to distract yourself. Do something you love. Did you let go of something you were interested in during your relationship because you thought it was "unattractive" or that they'd judge you? Go back to whatever that thing was. If it made you happy then, there's a high chance it'll make you happy now.

One more thing, don't expect to find somebody new instantly. Your ex might seem like the only person who understood you, but let's be realistic. There are 8 billion people on this planet, probably MORE, there has to be more than several people who are willing to make a strong connection with you. If relationships come easy to you and you CAN find someone almost immediately after a break up, then cool. But I will warn you, if you jump into a relationship right after you've been hurt, there's a chance you'll end up causing a cycle of pain for your next partner. Your ex hurt you and you still aren't over them? Guess who you'll probably end up taking it out on. Your new partner. You don't wanna be the reason they take it out on the next person, either.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you took something valuable from this brief entry. Apologies for any mistakes, as I am literally writing this at 3am and could not be any more sleep deprived than I am right now.

Let Go

I'm going to try not to be too descriptive of my situation, as this IS a public website, but I need to write enough that helps future-me know exactly how I was feeling during this time. So, hi Soph, I hope you're doing better when you read this later.

I fucked up. Bad.

I just got broken up with yesterday. Nearly 5 months of my life seemed to be for nothing. I say that, but I know that's not true. There's not much that I regret from my relationship, besides a lot of my problematic behavior.

It really sucks how someone can be your favorite person one day, and the next you have to move on from them and pretend you're okay. It hurts so bad.

I didn't really get a "goodbye" text, just a short explanation as to what went wrong. I guess I wasn't worthy enough for a final goodbye. Maybe I deserved that? I'm not sure.

Our relationship seemed to be going great for the first 3 months. It really was. My former partner was and is a good person. I loved him so much. Things started off really quickly though, and looking back I feel like I should've waited a little bit more before making things serious. We started dating after talking for around 2 weeks. But he was just so charming, and I felt such a strong connection with him that I was really looking forward to starting a serious relationship with him.

Even though he hurt me a lot throughout our time together, I don't hate my former partner at all. If anything I am so fucking proud of him for leaving. It takes a lot of courage to do that, even if it was easy for him. I think that him leaving me was one of the best decisions he could've made. The way he did it might not have been the best, but I can't change how things ended. The past is in the past. Even though it was only yesterday.

It's funny, I kind of predicted it. The night before he left me, I cried myself to sleep. My mind had just been racing with thoughts of him leaving me, or me leaving him. I didn't want to think of things ending, but I couldn't stop. My anxiety was killing me. I was planning to speak to him when I woke up, not to break up with him but to have a conversation about our relationship and its status. And if that conversation led to a break up, I was preparing myself for that.

But he left before I had the chance to do so.

I felt so shitty when I read his last few messages to me. He never brought up any of the problems he had with me when we were still dating, and only saved them for his final words to me. I wish he could've just told me sooner. All of it could've been solved with some communication. I'm certain of that.

All I have are memories now, and I will likely hold onto them for the rest of my life. I learned so much from him. So much that I can't let go of. It feels bittersweet reading through our previous conversations or listening to voice messages he sent me in the past. Part of me feels weird for still going through our old chats, but I think I have the right to do so. It helps me cope.

Nuisance

I hate feeling like a nuisance to the people I care about. Like, sorry I want to talk to you. I think you're so fucking cool. Just kill me I guess. It's fine.

Like, it's so embarrassing when I ask someone to hang out, get told no (or get ignored lol), and I see them spending time with somebody hours or minutes later. Like jesus fucking christ. You might as well just spit in my face and tell me to jump off a bridge.

It's even worse when the person used to be so available and seemed to want to talk to me often. They would constantly ask me to call or whatever and I'd ALWAYS answer.

I'm tired of feeling like this. I can't just cut these people off, because then I'd be a loser and a social outcast and some of these people are literally like family to me. It's not easy at all. But I kind of wish I could go for days without texting or calling somebody and not feel crappy about it.

I think I'll just start calling them out more. It might not be effective, but at least I'll be able to tell who's aware of their shitty behavior and who just doesn't care. I lose more self-respect every day that I let that shit slide.