Thoughts
The Author.
This is basically a diary, so expect messy and cringy writing.
Table of Contents
July 26th, 2025
Pathetic
my life is genuinely pathetic
i keep saying i dont like being vulnerable on here but ive just stopped caring less and less
im a mess, mentally and physically
i have 2 or 3 real friends outside of the internet
i spend all day rotting at my computer
when im not deteriorating at my desk i am sleeping
i know its summer and i have all the time in the world but i still feel like im not making any use of it
i do a lot of creative things to pass the time
but that's not enough
i need to socialize
it feels like all of my friends are too busy to talk to me
i cant even visit any of them, the ones i do actually know in real life
i am a lazy bum
i am worthless
i contribute nothing to society
i just sit there and acknowledge my problems without doing anything about them
its like im addicted to the pain
my favorite people are already struggling with a lot and i feel like shit for always wanting to talk to them
but my life has no structure
part of me desperately wants to go back to school so i can feel a sense of consistency for once
but i know ill be overwhelmed and burnt out quickly
nothing i do works
im about to give up
on all of it
July 15th, 2025
Crush
I like a guy!
This ..honestly sucks.
I’m sure that my sexuality isn’t a choice, because if it were, there’s no way in hell I’d still be attracted to men. The guy I like is.. strange to say the least. Not necessarily in a negative way, but he has his quirks.
I feel so weird for liking somebody again after I literally just left my previous relationship a MONTH AGO. It could be worse though, it’s not like I’m actually dating him.
I’m almost certain he's interested in me. But it’s kind of difficult to tell. I don’t want to make a move yet because I feel like it’s too soon. I’ve only known the guy for around a month. I have no idea if he’s even a bad person or not.
That’s one of my biggest fears, you know? Falling in love with somebody just to slowly figure out they aren’t exactly who they pose themself as. It’s happened to me before, and I don’t want it to happen again.
While I know I should wait, there’s still that part of me that really wants to be his girlfriend. There’s so much I like about him.
He has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. His jawline is perfect. I’m obsessed with his hair. He doesn’t think he’s attractive, but there’s so much about him and his appearance that I can’t help but get lost in. I don’t know if I have a type, but if I do, he fits it perfectly. I need this boy so bad. I crave him and his touch.
He’s really funny as well, and we share a lot of the same humor. He understands most of the silly little niche references I make, and vice versa.
I want to ask him out but I have no idea how I should. What do people even say? Like..
“Hey, I like you a lot and want to be your girlfriend even though we’ve known each other for less than 30 days.”
It’s so embarrassing. I don’t know how I should go about things. I hope things work out and he ends up asking ME, or I get some sort of sign that things won’t work out anyway.
I really hope things work out, though. I truly admire him.
June 17th, 2025
Polarity
I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d come back to my ’safe’ little corner of the Internet.
If you haven’t read my previous entry on the 15th, I suggest you do for some sort of context.
I’m really just confused with myself right now.
I look at other people who are going through breakups and they all seem to be a mess.
But I look at myself and how I’ve been feeling, and I feel bad for NOT feeling bad. It’s weird. I loved my partner a lot, more than I’ve ever loved anybody before, so why is the breakup not affecting me as much as I thought it would? 3 days ago, I expected myself to be dead in the corner of my room by now. But I’m not. I’m alive and I’m doing somewhat fine. I really hope my former partner is doing okay too.
I say I’m fine but I still have moments where I think about all the memories from my previous relationship and it still makes my heart hurt. I can’t believe I let myself lose it all. I still cry about it, and maybe not as much as I should, but everybody grieves differently, right?
These past few days I’ve just been talking to friends and trying to distract myself from the reality of the situation. If I pretend everything is fine, eventually, it actually will be. At least that’s what I hope.
Let me describe to you a few things that have actually helped me NOT hit rock-bottom during this difficult period of time.
I was listening to an audiobook that my mom was playing in the car today. It’s not unusual for her to play audiobooks for me, but typically I’d just block them out and not really pay attention to them. This time was different. I was planning to disassociate and drift away into my own thoughts while listening to my headphones, but she told me to pause my music for a bit and to just listen to what this audiobook narrator had to say. I can’t really give any specific examples, but the speaker went over a lot of analogies and concepts that totally shifted my perspective on life as a whole, not just on my current situation. This book LITERALLY teaches you how to shift your perspective, so I’m not at all surprised. The book is called “The Fifth Agreement” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I think you should give it a shot if you’re feeling like you’re at a dead end. The short snippet that I heard impacted me a lot, so I can only imagine what the whole book would do for someone. Take my word for it.
Not only did this seemingly random audiobook help me, I actually watched a Psych2Go video about getting over breakups. I know, I know, laugh if you want. Though there really was a lot to learn from it. One thing that specifically stuck with me was how the narrator describes love as an “addiction.” While not classified as one legally or whatever, many researchers have found that those falling in love experience similar symptoms to those of people struggling with behavioral or substance addictions. Basically, if you break up with someone, and you ‘stalk’ them or try to break no-contact, you’re going through withdrawals. Leaving a relationship is like quitting a substance. It takes time to fully recover from it. It’s not easy.
I think one more thing that’s helped me stay mentally stable-ish is the fact that I was already mourning my partner before he left. Not that he died physically or anything, but the version of him that I knew when we first started dating, did. He wasn’t the same man I fell in love with. I’m kind of glad that he didn’t treat me as well during the last couple of months that we were together, because it taught me how to do exactly what I’m forced to do now. Every time he ignored me or didn’t spend time with me, he was just teaching me how to live without him. If he had acted like he still loved me or cared about me during that time, the break up would’ve been a lot worse for me. I wouldn’t have known where things went wrong. I would have been so confused. But because I expected a break up to occur, I wasn’t as affected. So I’m glad that things went that way. Even if they weren’t perfect.
If you’re reading this, and you’re also going through a break up, just know that you’ve got this. Even if you don’t feel the same way I do about my relationship, you don’t have to. Remember, EVERYBODY grieves differently. Everybody. I already mentioned it, but I thought I’d stress it again. You will get over this person. Whether it be days, weeks, months, or even years from now, time heals.
Pretty much the only advice I can give, besides everything I’ve already written, is to distract yourself. Do something you love. Did you let go of something you were interested in during your relationship because you thought it was “unattractive” or that they’d judge you? Go back to whatever that thing was. If it made you happy then, there’s a high chance it’ll make you happy now.
One more thing, don’t expect to find somebody new instantly. Your ex might seem like the only person who understood you, but let’s be realistic. There are 8 billion people on this planet, probably MORE, there has to be more than several people who are willing to make a strong connection with you. If relationships come easy to you and you CAN find someone almost immediately after a break up, then cool. But I will warn you, if you jump into a relationship right after you’ve been hurt, there’s a chance you’ll end up causing a cycle of pain for your next partner. Your ex hurt you and you still aren’t over them? Guess who you’ll probably end up taking it out on. Your new partner. You don’t wanna be the reason they take it out on the next person, either.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you took something valuable from this brief entry. Apologies for any mistakes, as I am literally writing this at 3am and could not be any more sleep deprived than I am right now.
June 15th, 2025
Let Go
I’m going to try not to be too descriptive of my situation, as this IS a public website, but I need to write enough that helps future-me know exactly how I was feeling during this time. So, hi Soph, I hope you’re doing better when you read this later.
I fucked up. Bad.
I just got broken up with yesterday. Nearly 5 months of my life seemed to be for nothing. I say that, but I know that’s not true. There’s not much that I regret from my relationship, besides a lot of my problematic behavior.
It really sucks how someone can be your favorite person one day, and the next you have to move on from them and pretend you’re okay. It hurts so bad.
I didn’t really get a “goodbye” text, just a short explanation as to what went wrong. I guess I wasn’t worthy enough for a final goodbye. Maybe I deserved that? I’m not sure.
Our relationship seemed to be going great for the first 3 months. It really was. My former partner was and is a good person. I loved him so much. Things started off really quickly though, and looking back I feel like I should’ve waited a little bit more before making things serious. We started dating after talking for around 2 weeks. But he was just so charming, and I felt such a strong connection with him that I was really looking forward to starting a serious relationship with him.
Even though he hurt me a lot throughout our time together, I don’t hate my former partner at all. If anything I am so fucking proud of him for leaving. It takes a lot of courage to do that, even if it was easy for him. I think that him leaving me was one of the best decisions he could’ve made. The way he did it might not have been the best, but I can’t change how things ended. The past is in the past. Even though it was only yesterday.
It’s funny, I kind of predicted it. The night before he left me, I cried myself to sleep. My mind had just been racing with thoughts of him leaving me, or me leaving him. I didn’t want to think of things ending, but I couldn’t stop. My anxiety was killing me. I was planning to speak to him when I woke up, not to break up with him but to have a conversation about our relationship and its status. And if that conversation led to a break up, I was preparing myself for that.
But he left before I had the chance to do so.
I felt so shitty when I read his last few messages to me. He never brought up any of the problems he had with me when we were still dating, and only saved them for his final words to me. I wish he could've just told me sooner. All of it could’ve been solved with some communication. I’m certain of that.
All I have are memories now, and I will likely hold onto them for the rest of my life. I learned so much from him. So much that I can’t let go of. It feels bittersweet reading through our previous conversations or listening to voice messages he sent me in the past. Part of me feels weird for still going through our old chats, but I think I have the right to do so. It helps me cope.
My love, if you’re reading this, which I doubt you are (though there’s always a chance), I am so sorry for the way I treated you. I miss you so much and I hope you heal from any damage I caused you, and any other things that you are struggling with. You can do it. I believe in you. Everything will get better. I love you.
June 10th, 2025
Nuisance
I hate feeling like a nuisance to the people I care about. Like, sorry I want to talk to you. I think you’re so fucking cool. Just kill me I guess. It’s fine.
Like, it’s so embarrassing when I ask someone to hang out, get told no (or get ignored lol), and I see them spending time with somebody hours or minutes later. Like jesus fucking christ. You might as well just spit in my face and tell me to jump off a bridge.
It’s even worse when the person used to be so available and seemed to want to talk to me often. They would constantly ask me to call or whatever and I’d ALWAYS answer.
I’m tired of feeling like this. I can’t just cut these people off, because then I’d be a loser and a social outcast and some of these people are literally like family to me. It’s not easy at all. But I kind of wish I could go for days without texting or calling somebody and not feel crappy about it.
I think I’ll just start calling them out more. It might not be effective, but at least I’ll be able to tell who’s aware of their shitty behavior and who just doesn’t care. I lose more self-respect every day that I let that shit slide.
