i know you're tortured within

I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d come back to my ’safe’ little corner of the Internet.

If you haven’t read my previous entry on the 15th, I suggest you do for some sort of context.

I’m really just confused with myself right now.

I look at other people who are going through breakups and they all seem to be a mess.

But I look at myself and how I’ve been feeling, and I feel bad for NOT feeling bad. It’s weird. I loved my partner a lot, more than I’ve ever loved anybody before, so why is the breakup not affecting me as much as I thought it would? 3 days ago, I expected myself to be dead in the corner of my room by now. But I’m not. I’m alive and I’m doing somewhat fine. I really hope my former partner is doing okay too.

I say I’m fine but I still have moments where I think about all the memories from my previous relationship and it still makes my heart hurt. I can’t believe I let myself lose it all. I still cry about it, and maybe not as much as I should, but everybody grieves differently, right?

These past few days I’ve just been talking to friends and trying to distract myself from the reality of the situation. If I pretend everything is fine, eventually, it actually will be. At least that’s what I hope.

Let me describe to you a few things that have actually helped me NOT hit rock-bottom during this difficult period of time.

I was listening to an audiobook that my mom was playing in the car today. It’s not unusual for her to play audiobooks for me, but typically I’d just block them out and not really pay attention to them. This time was different. I was planning to disassociate and drift away into my own thoughts while listening to my headphones, but she told me to pause my music for a bit and to just listen to what this audiobook narrator had to say. I can’t really give any specific examples, but the speaker went over a lot of analogies and concepts that totally shifted my perspective on life as a whole, not just on my current situation. This book LITERALLY teaches you how to shift your perspective, so I’m not at all surprised. The book is called “The Fifth Agreement” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I think you should give it a shot if you’re feeling like you’re at a dead end. The short snippet that I heard impacted me a lot, so I can only imagine what the whole book would do for someone. Take my word for it.

Not only did this seemingly random audiobook help me, I actually watched a Psych2Go video about getting over breakups. I know, I know, laugh if you want. Though there really was a lot to learn from it. One thing that specifically stuck with me was how the narrator describes love as an “addiction.” While not classified as one legally or whatever, many researchers have found that those falling in love experience similar symptoms to those of people struggling with behavioral or substance addictions. Basically, if you break up with someone, and you ‘stalk’ them or try to break no-contact, you’re going through withdrawals. Leaving a relationship is like quitting a substance. It takes time to fully recover from it. It’s not easy.

I think one more thing that’s helped me stay mentally stable-ish is the fact that I was already mourning my partner before he left. Not that he died physically or anything, but the version of him that I knew when we first started dating, did. He wasn’t the same man I fell in love with. I’m kind of glad that he didn’t treat me as well during the last couple of months that we were together, because it taught me how to do exactly what I’m forced to do now. Every time he ignored me or didn’t spend time with me, he was just teaching me how to live without him. If he had acted like he still loved me or cared about me during that time, the break up would’ve been a lot worse for me. I wouldn’t have known where things went wrong. I would have been so confused. But because I expected a break up to occur, I wasn’t as affected. So I’m glad that things went that way. Even if they weren’t perfect.

If you’re reading this, and you’re also going through a break up, just know that you’ve got this. Even if you don’t feel the same way I do about my relationship, you don’t have to. Remember, EVERYBODY grieves differently. Everybody. I already mentioned it, but I thought I’d stress it again. You will get over this person. Whether it be days, weeks, months, or even years from now, time heals.

Pretty much the only advice I can give, besides everything I’ve already written, is to distract yourself. Do something you love. Did you let go of something you were interested in during your relationship because you thought it was “unattractive” or that they’d judge you? Go back to whatever that thing was. If it made you happy then, there’s a high chance it’ll make you happy now.

One more thing, don’t expect to find somebody new instantly. Your ex might seem like the only person who understood you, but let’s be realistic. There are 8 billion people on this planet, probably MORE, there has to be more than several people who are willing to make a strong connection with you. If relationships come easy to you and you CAN find someone almost immediately after a break up, then cool. But I will warn you, if you jump into a relationship right after you’ve been hurt, there’s a chance you’ll end up causing a cycle of pain for your next partner. Your ex hurt you and you still aren’t over them? Guess who you’ll probably end up taking it out on. Your new partner. You don’t wanna be the reason they take it out on the next person, either.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you took something valuable from this brief entry. Apologies for any mistakes, as I am literally writing this at 3am and could not be any more sleep deprived than I am right now.