Growing Up

Hi everyone.. I’ve returned! Haven't written here since last year. Today is my birthday!

I don’t even know how many people actively read my thoughts page or if anybody does at all, but I like to think there’s at least.. like.. 3 people who do, right? Whatever, that’s besides the point.

My website revamp has finally been fully published and I am so proud of what I’ve made this time. I’m not sure what I was even thinking with my old layout. It was overwhelmingly bland and boring, in my opinion. I wrote about this back when I published that layout for the first time, saying stuff about how “change is inevitable” and whatnot. I’m glad I was aware that I would NOT be keeping that theme permanently.

A complete contrast from the monochromatic layout I had before, you will now find a colorful Animal Crossing inspired theme on my site! I tried to incorporate as many small fun details as I possibly could. I think that back when I still had my OneShot theme, I was planning to do a rotating thing where I’d have a new videogame layout on my site every few weeks. Obviously that didn’t fucking happen. And likely never will, as this layout alone probably took the longest to make out of all of them. Like I said, I wanted to get every detail perfect. I’m sure there will be small errors across the site, but I can always go back and fix them when I feel like it. I’ve added so many new things to my site, and, like always, you can find every change in the update log. I hope everybody has fun exploring!

Regarding my personal life, I’ve already mentioned that today is a very special day. Actually, I’d like to say that it’s special, but I feel quite indifferent. These past few months have been really dark times for me, and my birthday, something that should be important, doesn’t even bring me joy. Either way, I’ll push through. I’m sure I’ll be happier by the time my next birthday comes. Hopefully.

At school, I’ve gone from an A-B student to having Cs and Fs. It’s taking a toll on me, seeing such a drastic change. I grew up as a gifted child. Second grade, they pulled me aside, told me to sort some shapes and colors, and decided I was “special.” I was told I was naturally smart. Because of that, I was able to get by without putting in a lot of effort for a really long time. Now I’m losing the ability to even do the bare minimum. I don’t think I’m stupid, and my teachers and counselors don’t think I am either. But my grades reflect otherwise. And it’s honestly really demotivating. It feels like something is wrong with me, though a lot of people tell me there’s not. What I go through everyday tells me otherwise, but sometimes I think about what other people have to say about my own life and let it get to me. Impostor syndrome. It’d be easy to pin my struggles on having some sort of disorder, but I haven’t been diagnosed with any of that, so I only have myself to blame. The only labels I’ve ever been given are “lazy,” “unorganized,” and “careless.”

Doctors I’ve spoken to have denied my experiences outright, made general assumptions, or just told me it was depression or anxiety. But I still feel like there’s more. I’m getting an evaluation next month for ADHD. With my current academic history, I feel like I’ll be dismissed the second the psychiatrist sees my previous grades. I spoke to a “professional” the other day, and he told me that, because I got good grades from a young age, he doubted I had ADHD. Getting diagnosed, or even evaluated (it took 2 years to get to this point), is fucking hell. Especially for girls. If you’re not a white 7-year-old hyperactive boy, you might as well give up. Hopefully I figure out what’s going on with me soon, because I don’t know how much longer I can take.

On a happier note, I recently got a new guitar as an early birthday present and I’m really excited to start learning how to play! I’m not taking guitar lessons yet, but I plan to in the near future. I hope my songs and music will improve once I’ve picked up at least a basic understanding of guitar. I haven’t even actually been making a lot of music lately, but I’ll get back on that soon.

Sorry that I haven’t been updating this page as much. I’d love to share my thoughts and experiences with you guys more often, but I just never seem to have the time or motivation to sit down and write. I’m going to try to be more consistent with publishing these posts. Oh, also, happy new year! And happy every-other-holiday-that-happened-while-I-was-still working-on-my-revamp!