i know you're tortured within

I’m going to try not to be too descriptive of my situation, as this IS a public website, but I need to write enough that helps future-me know exactly how I was feeling during this time. So, hi Soph, I hope you’re doing better when you read this later.

I fucked up. Bad.

I just got broken up with yesterday. Nearly 5 months of my life seemed to be for nothing. I say that, but I know that’s not true. There’s not much that I regret from my relationship, besides a lot of my problematic behavior.

It really sucks how someone can be your favorite person one day, and the next you have to move on from them and pretend you’re okay. It hurts so bad.

I didn’t really get a “goodbye” text, just a short explanation as to what went wrong. I guess I wasn’t worthy enough for a final goodbye. Maybe I deserved that? I’m not sure.

Our relationship seemed to be going great for the first 3 months. It really was. My former partner was and is a good person. I loved him so much. Things started off really quickly though, and looking back I feel like I should’ve waited a little bit more before making things serious. We started dating after talking for around 2 weeks. But he was just so charming, and I felt such a strong connection with him that I was really looking forward to starting a serious relationship with him.

Even though he hurt me a lot throughout our time together, I don’t hate my former partner at all. If anything I am so fucking proud of him for leaving. It takes a lot of courage to do that, even if it was easy for him. I think that him leaving me was one of the best decisions he could’ve made. The way he did it might not have been the best, but I can’t change how things ended. The past is in the past. Even though it was only yesterday.

It’s funny, I kind of predicted it. The night before he left me, I cried myself to sleep. My mind had just been racing with thoughts of him leaving me, or me leaving him. I didn’t want to think of things ending, but I couldn’t stop. My anxiety was killing me. I was planning to speak to him when I woke up, not to break up with him but to have a conversation about our relationship and its status. And if that conversation led to a break up, I was preparing myself for that.

But he left before I had the chance to do so.

I felt so shitty when I read his last few messages to me. He never brought up any of the problems he had with me when we were still dating, and only saved them for his final words to me. I wish he could've just told me sooner. All of it could’ve been solved with some communication. I’m certain of that.

All I have are memories now, and I will likely hold onto them for the rest of my life. I learned so much from him. So much that I can’t let go of. It feels bittersweet reading through our previous conversations or listening to voice messages he sent me in the past. Part of me feels weird for still going through our old chats, but I think I have the right to do so. It helps me cope.

My love, if you’re reading this, which I doubt you are (though there’s always a chance), I am so sorry for the way I treated you. I miss you so much and I hope you heal from any damage I caused you, and any other things that you are struggling with. You can do it. I believe in you. Everything will get better. I love you.